Sex Smorgasbord (Made you look)

Part 2

Per our contract I'm supposed to be blogging once a week.   Unfortunately I failed at that last week.  I blame the holidays, however, Sir might have a different opinion.

One of the things I admire the most about his dominant side is that he doesn't punish to just punish.   And for a long time I thought that's what being a dominant was about.   But there are a lot of times that he doesn't sweat the small stuff.  I appreciate and work very hard to never take advantage of that.

Anyways, back to the blog post.

There was an error in my last post.   Just for sake of clarity and honesty, I have been cheated on.  Not sure why I left that out.

Infidelity and monogamy have continued to be topics in our home.  A couple very close to me is dealing with infidelity.  I'm not going to go into a lot of detail about it except to say that it's made me realize how truly painful this kind of dishonesty is.   And I have no desire to ever inflict that kind of pain on anyone I love ever again.

I'd like to believe that both Sir and I are mature enough to recognize that if we reach a point in our relationship where one of us doesn't want to be here any longer we'll be able to actually have that discussion rather than step out with another person.  I don't believe that being non-monogamous threatens our relationship.   Sir meets my needs.   I'm not out searching for something that I'm not getting.   I just view sex as a bit of a smorgasbord and sometimes I want a little salad if I've been eating a lot of steak.   I have no interest in carrying on another relationship with a man.  I've done that and it's exhausting.   One relationship is fine with me.

In addition to being interested in my own non-monogamy I am also open to playing with Sir and a third person.  I spoke to a friend about this recently and she was excited and  interested in discussing it more.   My sexual experience with other women is fairly limited and I'm very open to dipping my toes into this pond :)   I also am curious about watching Sir top another female.   

Okay, I'm more than curious.    One of my favorite long term fantasies involves  being restrained while watching Sir top another woman in front of me.   I'm forced to watch without being allowed to participate in any way.  The thought of it definitely makes my naughty bits tingle.

I do see these things as a  possibility with us.   I don't think that inviting others to play with us will become standard practice.  Rather I see it as more of a special treat we'll both get to enjoy from time to time.   In many ways we're still babes in this world.  And we're  fine with that.  We go at our own pace and I believe it helps us avoid becoming frenzied or getting so caught up in the lifestyle that we forget we're two real people that are in love with each other.

I almost sounded romantic there...didn't I?

What I realize more than anything is that in the past few years I've evolved in so many ways.   And I'm continuing to do so.  A year or two from now I could feel totally different about all of this.  And I love the idea of that.  Life should be about the experience.

It's just sex....right?

Part 1

I've been thinking a lot lately about infidelity, monogamy, and non-monogamy.  This post is an attempt to straighten out my thoughts so excuse the mess.

As hard as it is to admit I have a bit of experience with infidelity.  If you're assuming that I've been cheated on...you'd be wrong.  I am was the cheater.   It's not something I'm proud of by any stretch of the imagination.   But the intent of this post isn't to dwell on my past sins.  I've spent many hours sitting on a therapist's couch trying to figure out why I did some of the things I did without ever being able to come up with an answer.

In the time I've been with Sir I've never had any desire to cheat on him.  I understand that for most people this should not be a big deal but for me it is.  To some extent it's helped me understand why I had such an issue being faithful before.   I'm sure some of you may be thinking 'just give it time, once a cheater, always a cheater.'  There have been many times I've thought that myself, moments where I've had large amounts of self doubt waiting to just mess up.   But I've come to understand that part of me is really in my past.  My relationship with Sir has been completely transparent from the start and when you live with honestly like that it's just easy to continue to stay that way.

I have always been fond of saying that I didn't believe in monogamy, however, that was mostly because I was trying to justify my cheating.   There was a small part of me that did believe sex is sex and is meant to be enjoyed and it doesn't always have to be taken so seriously.  

I still feel the same way.   Although there is a bigger part of me that is invested in this theory. I love Sir completely.   And I don't walk around lusting after other people.   But I have found myself wondering about what sex would be like with 'this' person or 'that' person.   And I'm talking about straight up sex - not being submissive to another.   

And then I stop to think, how would I feel about Sir being with another?   I tend to do that you know. I almost always try to put myself in the other person's shoes.   And I'm not sure how I would feel about it.  

There was a time in our relationship when I definitely would have not been okay with it.   Mostly because of my own insecurity.   I wasn't fully available to Sir and my biggest fear is that he would find someone that was.   I don't have that insecurity any longer.  I don't have a lot of insecurities any longer when it comes to our relationship. I am his.  He is mine.  We could last our lifetimes, a year, a month, who knows.....I don't spend a lot of time worrying about that.   

I understand that not everyone thinks or feels this way.  I understand that many people spend their lives having sex with one person (at a time) and it's not an issue for them.  I've spend many years of my life happily doing this myself.   I certainly don't walk around wearing a shirt that says I don't want to be monogamous, although my good friends do know I feel this way.    I am just at a place in my life where I'm understanding that it's okay to not always fit into everyone's idea of what you should be and how you should live.  

What did you call me?

One of the reasons why we felt it was time to negotiate a new contract was because we knew it was necessary in order to be able to move forward in our relationship.   Neither one of us wants to become stagnant.   That's not to say that our life is one crazy sexual adventure after another, because that would be near impossible.   Real life happens you know.

I've given a lot of thought to my personal journey and the many ways I'm constantly changing and evolving.  There are lots of new things that don't come easy for me, however, I'm determined to persevere.  One of my current struggles has been with clover clamps.

I have VERY sensitive nipples.  It's a blessing and a curse.  I can orgasm from nipple play alone which Sir LOVES.   We stopped using nipple clamps awhile ago and recently I asked Sir to bring them back out.  It hurt so bad in such a good way and for days my nipples were on high alert.   

The other night he brought them back out but this time I had to actually walk with them on, kneel, and undress him.   This was very hard to do because the pain from the clamps is so distracting it's almost impossible to focus on the task at hand.   Sir was kind enough to remove them after he felt I had suffered enough but I was still disappointed in my inability to handle them for a longer period of time.   I look forward to more of this "training."   

During our play the other night I did discover something new about myself.   Sir called me a name.   He called me his little cocksucker.   At the time it was very appropriate because I was sucking his cock :)   I had an immediate physical response to this which surprised me.  Name calling has never been something that I thought I would respond to although I do admit the thought of it has intrigued me.   There are some aspects of humiliation/degradation that have interested me and I can add name calling to this list.  I don't believe that I would enjoy insults though, but then insults can be considered subjective depending on what words are being used.

I would also like to try wax play.   It's something I've never tried but recently it has become something I've become more interested in.   I'm hoping that Sir and I will be venturing down this path soon.   I'm not going to lie...it's probably the marks from the hot wax that I crave the most.

I hope you, dear readers, are enjoying your own discovery and journey.   

Hi, My name is ...

The Submissive Feminist....

Wait....What?

I've been involved with Sir for four and a half years.  About halfway through our relationship we dipped our toes in the BDSM water and have been there ever since.   This world wasn't new to me but I had been away from it for a long time.   Sir was new but a quick learner and took to his role right away.

During the past several years while I drifted in and out of BDSM relationships there was always one common issue I kept running into.  For some reason, in this world, people want to label you.  Okay maybe that's true in all worlds, but for now I'm talking about this one.  I would constantly hear things like "You're not a true submissive unless..." And I didn't meet a lot of the criteria that would follow that statement.  So I never felt like a true submissive.  I always felt as if I was outside of this world just looking in.

A little over a year ago when Sir and I started living together we decided it was time to negotiate a contract.  I was very excited about this.  By nature I'm a very structured person and I like rules, guidelines, etc.   This was a new development for us and we did some research and Sir drafted a contract that seemed to fit "the norms" for our type of relationship.

Within two weeks I hated it.  There were things that, per our contract, Sir expected and I hated it. And I hated myself for hating it.   It wasn't about tasks or requests that I was uncomfortable with.   It was about tasks and requests that I dreaded.  I began to question myself.  'Maybe I'm not a submissive?'  

This created some issues between us and we voided the contract on a temporary basis.

Over the next several months I thought about it.  I wondered about what box I fit into?   And you know what I learned?  I don't fit into any box.

I'm an independent woman who has raised two children.  I work full time in a managerial position and take those responsibilities very seriously.  I have a great circle of friends and enjoy my time with them.  I believe that in a relationship both partners should contribute equally and both partners have equal rights and responsibilities. I consider myself to be a feminist.  

I am also a masochist.   And I am submissive, but it doesn't always come naturally.   There are some ways in which I have to work a little harder but that's okay with me.  In those specific areas I've come to understand that I benefit from giving Sir control even if at times it rubs me the wrong way.   I'm also snarky, opinionated, and I'm not afraid to speak my mind.  And my Sir, he's more than okay with all of that.

Last week we sat down together and negotiated another contract.  I did a LOT more research on this one and read a lot of different articles and blog posts.  I identified the different kinds of contracts and their qualities and I noted items and thoughts that appealed to me;  that I thought I could learn from; and things that I knew Sir would appreciate.  

We went over it together item by item and made some additional changes and are now at a point where we have a working document.  We're both very happy with it and for me it's helped me to feel more comfortable in my feminist/submissive/masochist skin.   And I believe it will serve to encourage and remind both of us to take care of each other.  And no matter how much we love each other, that reminder is still necessary.   Life happens.  Work happens.  And it's easy to get busy and make excuses for not giving your partner the time and/or attention he/she deserves.  

Others, looking in from the outside will still try to label us. They might view Sir as being too lenient. I might be seen as too snarky and sarcastic to be submissive.  Our contract is a good representation of who we are TO EACH OTHER and that's all that really matters.