It's just sex....right?

Part 1

I've been thinking a lot lately about infidelity, monogamy, and non-monogamy.  This post is an attempt to straighten out my thoughts so excuse the mess.

As hard as it is to admit I have a bit of experience with infidelity.  If you're assuming that I've been cheated on...you'd be wrong.  I am was the cheater.   It's not something I'm proud of by any stretch of the imagination.   But the intent of this post isn't to dwell on my past sins.  I've spent many hours sitting on a therapist's couch trying to figure out why I did some of the things I did without ever being able to come up with an answer.

In the time I've been with Sir I've never had any desire to cheat on him.  I understand that for most people this should not be a big deal but for me it is.  To some extent it's helped me understand why I had such an issue being faithful before.   I'm sure some of you may be thinking 'just give it time, once a cheater, always a cheater.'  There have been many times I've thought that myself, moments where I've had large amounts of self doubt waiting to just mess up.   But I've come to understand that part of me is really in my past.  My relationship with Sir has been completely transparent from the start and when you live with honestly like that it's just easy to continue to stay that way.

I have always been fond of saying that I didn't believe in monogamy, however, that was mostly because I was trying to justify my cheating.   There was a small part of me that did believe sex is sex and is meant to be enjoyed and it doesn't always have to be taken so seriously.  

I still feel the same way.   Although there is a bigger part of me that is invested in this theory. I love Sir completely.   And I don't walk around lusting after other people.   But I have found myself wondering about what sex would be like with 'this' person or 'that' person.   And I'm talking about straight up sex - not being submissive to another.   

And then I stop to think, how would I feel about Sir being with another?   I tend to do that you know. I almost always try to put myself in the other person's shoes.   And I'm not sure how I would feel about it.  

There was a time in our relationship when I definitely would have not been okay with it.   Mostly because of my own insecurity.   I wasn't fully available to Sir and my biggest fear is that he would find someone that was.   I don't have that insecurity any longer.  I don't have a lot of insecurities any longer when it comes to our relationship. I am his.  He is mine.  We could last our lifetimes, a year, a month, who knows.....I don't spend a lot of time worrying about that.   

I understand that not everyone thinks or feels this way.  I understand that many people spend their lives having sex with one person (at a time) and it's not an issue for them.  I've spend many years of my life happily doing this myself.   I certainly don't walk around wearing a shirt that says I don't want to be monogamous, although my good friends do know I feel this way.    I am just at a place in my life where I'm understanding that it's okay to not always fit into everyone's idea of what you should be and how you should live.