Sex Smorgasbord (Made you look)

Part 2

Per our contract I'm supposed to be blogging once a week.   Unfortunately I failed at that last week.  I blame the holidays, however, Sir might have a different opinion.

One of the things I admire the most about his dominant side is that he doesn't punish to just punish.   And for a long time I thought that's what being a dominant was about.   But there are a lot of times that he doesn't sweat the small stuff.  I appreciate and work very hard to never take advantage of that.

Anyways, back to the blog post.

There was an error in my last post.   Just for sake of clarity and honesty, I have been cheated on.  Not sure why I left that out.

Infidelity and monogamy have continued to be topics in our home.  A couple very close to me is dealing with infidelity.  I'm not going to go into a lot of detail about it except to say that it's made me realize how truly painful this kind of dishonesty is.   And I have no desire to ever inflict that kind of pain on anyone I love ever again.

I'd like to believe that both Sir and I are mature enough to recognize that if we reach a point in our relationship where one of us doesn't want to be here any longer we'll be able to actually have that discussion rather than step out with another person.  I don't believe that being non-monogamous threatens our relationship.   Sir meets my needs.   I'm not out searching for something that I'm not getting.   I just view sex as a bit of a smorgasbord and sometimes I want a little salad if I've been eating a lot of steak.   I have no interest in carrying on another relationship with a man.  I've done that and it's exhausting.   One relationship is fine with me.

In addition to being interested in my own non-monogamy I am also open to playing with Sir and a third person.  I spoke to a friend about this recently and she was excited and  interested in discussing it more.   My sexual experience with other women is fairly limited and I'm very open to dipping my toes into this pond :)   I also am curious about watching Sir top another female.   

Okay, I'm more than curious.    One of my favorite long term fantasies involves  being restrained while watching Sir top another woman in front of me.   I'm forced to watch without being allowed to participate in any way.  The thought of it definitely makes my naughty bits tingle.

I do see these things as a  possibility with us.   I don't think that inviting others to play with us will become standard practice.  Rather I see it as more of a special treat we'll both get to enjoy from time to time.   In many ways we're still babes in this world.  And we're  fine with that.  We go at our own pace and I believe it helps us avoid becoming frenzied or getting so caught up in the lifestyle that we forget we're two real people that are in love with each other.

I almost sounded romantic there...didn't I?

What I realize more than anything is that in the past few years I've evolved in so many ways.   And I'm continuing to do so.  A year or two from now I could feel totally different about all of this.  And I love the idea of that.  Life should be about the experience.

It's just sex....right?

Part 1

I've been thinking a lot lately about infidelity, monogamy, and non-monogamy.  This post is an attempt to straighten out my thoughts so excuse the mess.

As hard as it is to admit I have a bit of experience with infidelity.  If you're assuming that I've been cheated on...you'd be wrong.  I am was the cheater.   It's not something I'm proud of by any stretch of the imagination.   But the intent of this post isn't to dwell on my past sins.  I've spent many hours sitting on a therapist's couch trying to figure out why I did some of the things I did without ever being able to come up with an answer.

In the time I've been with Sir I've never had any desire to cheat on him.  I understand that for most people this should not be a big deal but for me it is.  To some extent it's helped me understand why I had such an issue being faithful before.   I'm sure some of you may be thinking 'just give it time, once a cheater, always a cheater.'  There have been many times I've thought that myself, moments where I've had large amounts of self doubt waiting to just mess up.   But I've come to understand that part of me is really in my past.  My relationship with Sir has been completely transparent from the start and when you live with honestly like that it's just easy to continue to stay that way.

I have always been fond of saying that I didn't believe in monogamy, however, that was mostly because I was trying to justify my cheating.   There was a small part of me that did believe sex is sex and is meant to be enjoyed and it doesn't always have to be taken so seriously.  

I still feel the same way.   Although there is a bigger part of me that is invested in this theory. I love Sir completely.   And I don't walk around lusting after other people.   But I have found myself wondering about what sex would be like with 'this' person or 'that' person.   And I'm talking about straight up sex - not being submissive to another.   

And then I stop to think, how would I feel about Sir being with another?   I tend to do that you know. I almost always try to put myself in the other person's shoes.   And I'm not sure how I would feel about it.  

There was a time in our relationship when I definitely would have not been okay with it.   Mostly because of my own insecurity.   I wasn't fully available to Sir and my biggest fear is that he would find someone that was.   I don't have that insecurity any longer.  I don't have a lot of insecurities any longer when it comes to our relationship. I am his.  He is mine.  We could last our lifetimes, a year, a month, who knows.....I don't spend a lot of time worrying about that.   

I understand that not everyone thinks or feels this way.  I understand that many people spend their lives having sex with one person (at a time) and it's not an issue for them.  I've spend many years of my life happily doing this myself.   I certainly don't walk around wearing a shirt that says I don't want to be monogamous, although my good friends do know I feel this way.    I am just at a place in my life where I'm understanding that it's okay to not always fit into everyone's idea of what you should be and how you should live.