Hi, My name is ...

The Submissive Feminist....

Wait....What?

I've been involved with Sir for four and a half years.  About halfway through our relationship we dipped our toes in the BDSM water and have been there ever since.   This world wasn't new to me but I had been away from it for a long time.   Sir was new but a quick learner and took to his role right away.

During the past several years while I drifted in and out of BDSM relationships there was always one common issue I kept running into.  For some reason, in this world, people want to label you.  Okay maybe that's true in all worlds, but for now I'm talking about this one.  I would constantly hear things like "You're not a true submissive unless..." And I didn't meet a lot of the criteria that would follow that statement.  So I never felt like a true submissive.  I always felt as if I was outside of this world just looking in.

A little over a year ago when Sir and I started living together we decided it was time to negotiate a contract.  I was very excited about this.  By nature I'm a very structured person and I like rules, guidelines, etc.   This was a new development for us and we did some research and Sir drafted a contract that seemed to fit "the norms" for our type of relationship.

Within two weeks I hated it.  There were things that, per our contract, Sir expected and I hated it. And I hated myself for hating it.   It wasn't about tasks or requests that I was uncomfortable with.   It was about tasks and requests that I dreaded.  I began to question myself.  'Maybe I'm not a submissive?'  

This created some issues between us and we voided the contract on a temporary basis.

Over the next several months I thought about it.  I wondered about what box I fit into?   And you know what I learned?  I don't fit into any box.

I'm an independent woman who has raised two children.  I work full time in a managerial position and take those responsibilities very seriously.  I have a great circle of friends and enjoy my time with them.  I believe that in a relationship both partners should contribute equally and both partners have equal rights and responsibilities. I consider myself to be a feminist.  

I am also a masochist.   And I am submissive, but it doesn't always come naturally.   There are some ways in which I have to work a little harder but that's okay with me.  In those specific areas I've come to understand that I benefit from giving Sir control even if at times it rubs me the wrong way.   I'm also snarky, opinionated, and I'm not afraid to speak my mind.  And my Sir, he's more than okay with all of that.

Last week we sat down together and negotiated another contract.  I did a LOT more research on this one and read a lot of different articles and blog posts.  I identified the different kinds of contracts and their qualities and I noted items and thoughts that appealed to me;  that I thought I could learn from; and things that I knew Sir would appreciate.  

We went over it together item by item and made some additional changes and are now at a point where we have a working document.  We're both very happy with it and for me it's helped me to feel more comfortable in my feminist/submissive/masochist skin.   And I believe it will serve to encourage and remind both of us to take care of each other.  And no matter how much we love each other, that reminder is still necessary.   Life happens.  Work happens.  And it's easy to get busy and make excuses for not giving your partner the time and/or attention he/she deserves.  

Others, looking in from the outside will still try to label us. They might view Sir as being too lenient. I might be seen as too snarky and sarcastic to be submissive.  Our contract is a good representation of who we are TO EACH OTHER and that's all that really matters.