Ordinarily I wouldn't let this bother me.......(see what I did there)

The other day I saw something in my twitter feed that caused me to pause....

Actually I see a lot of things in my twitter feed that makes me pause but in this case it was a negative thing.   It was a tweet that contained these words "I'm not an ordinary submissive....."   and then it went on to describe why this individual believed she wasn't "ordinary."

I started wondering - What exactly is an "ordinary" submissive?   Are her needs or standards greater than mine or other submissives I know?  

Maybe she's just trying to be different.   But doesn't our personalities and who we are as individuals set us apart from others?   Isn't it enough to be true to ourselves?   Do we have to announce that we are not ordinary?

I think the reason why this really stood out for me is because I'm constantly seeing other women on social media make announcements about how they're different than the stereotype.   And I'm just so completely tired of this constant need to label ourselves and others.

I often see the statement  "I'm not a girly girl."   What is a girly girl anyway?  And why is it bad?   I enjoy manicures and massages and right now I'm sporting pink nail polish.  I also rock cowboy boots and jeans and drive a big ass truck.   Am I a girly girl?   Or am I a tomboy?   Why do I have to be either one of those?  Why can't I just be....and this is where it gets crazy.....ME.

Are we intent on making these announcements because we don't want to be stereotyped?   And if so, why do we care?   If someone is set on stereotyping me then obviously they're not interested in knowing who I am as an individual and consequently I'm not interested in having them in my life.

I'm not saying that there is something wrong with wanting to stand out of the crowd.   I'm just worried about doing it in a way that, whether intentional or not, disparages others.   I believe it feeds a need to compete against each other.   And this need is what holds women back.   It represents a definite lack of respect for each other.   So while we yell loudly about how women aren't respected in everyday life, how can we expect this to change when we can't even give each other that same respect?

It very well could be that this tweet was just a random thought.   I'm not finding fault with the author or making an assumption that she is part of the problem.   It was just a few words that caught my eye and fueled a fire that's been burning away in my brain for some time now.

I feel much better now that I've gotten this out of my head.  Although I still have no idea what an "ordinary' submissive is.

Five Years and counting

Five years ago today I met Sir.  He wasn't my Sir then.  That part of our relationship didn't start until a few years later.  Anyway..back to five years ago.  I had no idea that meeting him would change my life so much.  I certainly had no idea that we would end up together.   It was suppose to be just something fun on the side.

It's not an anniversary we can celebrate publicly.   I was married when I met Sir and the rest of the world doesn't need to know about when my marriage became open and what that was like.  And since my ex and I are friends I'm fairly sure he doesn't want the rest of the world knowing it either.  

In five years I've never once wanted to be unfaithful.   For most people that might not seem like a big deal.  For me it is.  In fact the last time I experienced that was when I was married to my first husband and I was 26, married five years with one child and another one on the way in another year. And while I'm still not sold on the idea of monogamy I certainly couldn't fathom stepping out behind Sir's back.

We've had a rough week, Sir and me.  Sometimes this D/s shit is hard.  And when there are issues with the D/s and in other aspects of your relationship it's just a recipe for disaster.  It's been unpleasant since Friday but I think as of today we are feeling a bit more optimistic about things.  And we were able to have a respectful and honest conversation about it.

I don't know what the next five years is going to bring. We're moving out of state in a few months. It's exciting and a little scary.  He won't be living in my house.  I won't be living in his house.  Instead we'll be making a life together. There are times when I think about it that I almost could see me married again.  But I quickly talk myself out of that :)

What I do know is that five years from now we'll still be together.  I've never questioned that we're in this for the long haul. It's just how it is.  And it feels different, but in a good way. When I was married I would say "I'm never getting a divorce."  But I'd say that because it was my second marriage and OMG I couldn't imagine going through another divorce.  It wasn't because I believed we'd be together forever.   And, well, you can see how that ended.  

Hopefully next year at this time we'll be in our new home on at least five acres and I'll have started purchasing a pig or two.   And maybe a cow.  And a horse.  You get the idea.

I just want to know....when do I get my anniversary beating :)

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Fucking is not a numbers game

The other day I was talking about sex and relationships with my sister.   She's not aware of my BDSM interests or lifestyle.  It was just a generic conversation.  Her and her husband have nine kids, yes you read that right.   She was saying that there are times she'll just tell her husband it's 'now or never' and they'll spend 15 minutes having sex that she might or might not enjoy.

I thought that was so depressing.   It made me think about other couples and I was wondering if that's what it was like for most people.  That's not what it's like for me.

I'd like to say that Sir and I have crazy monkey sex every night of the week but we don't.  We're real people with real jobs and real responsibilities.   I'm up early and am fairly wiped out by 9pm.  Sir is still in bed when I leave for work and a night owl. We have to just make it work.  

Lately we spend our weekends trying to have all the sex and play we didn't get during the week.   I'm not a big fan of this routine.  I'm fairly sure that Sir isn't too thrilled with it either.  

I am sure that many people would say that scheduling sex and play isn't "romantic."   But then I've never considered myself to be a romantic type of person.  I think that being practical has it's place in this area of relationships.  I suppose that it has it's place in all area of relationships.  This is something that Sir and I have previously negotiated.   During the week if we want to engage in play we plan to go to bed early.

I'm not saying there's no room for spontaneity.   But Sir respects the fact that I'm up at the butt crack of dawn and when I don't get enough rest it impacts my ability to do my job, take care of myself, and take care of him.

I love being awakened in the middle of the night by Sir so that he can take what he wants.  And there are many nights when I'm eager to start something that I know won't be finished before midnight.  I'm thankful that Sir is often ruled by his practical mind and he's quick to tell me it's time to sleep.  

The reality is that neither one of us has the quantity of sex we would both prefer.  The quality however is quite spectacular.   We have our off moments as most couples do, but it's rare.   Maybe I'm just getting older (and wiser) but I'll take quality over quantity any day

Tie on on.

As part of my contract with Sir I am supposed to blog once a week. Lately between the holidays and travel it's been difficult to do so and I've had a touch of the writer's block. When I mentioned that to Sir he was  "kind enough"  to offer topics for me. Such a giver. :)

He suggested that I write about how it feels, or how I feel when I am a restrained. At first I wasn't sure what to say and then I had an epiphany of sorts.

I think one word best describes how I feel when I am restrained. And that word is free.   

Free to not worry about if my thighs are too thick or my belly too flabby.  

Free to completely surrender and turn off all of the voices in my head reminding me of the items on my to do list, or the laundry that isn't done, or the meals that need to be cooked, etc, etc.   

Free to give in to all of the different sensations.   Free to let the pain wash over me like waves of warm water.   Free to float into subspace because I trust SIr and I know I'm safe in his hands.

But the most important....

Free to be used.   I LOVE feeling used by Sir.  I love knowing that I am his and that my body belongs to him and that it is his for whatever he wishes to do with it.   I love knowing that my orgasms are a gift of his and not given without permission and I equally love when he denies me permission to come because that just further cements my role in serving him.

Sir and I haven't used rope yet.  I know that's something he's considering and I am looking forward to it.  I've had some experience with rope in the past and I like the way it feels.   The restraints we use now are ones that he's devised.  He's very creative like that.   

Sir has restrained me in all different kinds of ways.  Spread eagled on the bed is the most common form of restrain that he uses.  However lately he's added a spreader bar to the mix and that definitely turns up the fun a bit :).   It's hard for me when he uses the spreader bar with my legs in the air and my arms cuffed to my ankles. Sir can fuck for a seriously long time but my poor legs can only stay up for a short period of time.   

Sir has also used the spreader bar while I'm restrained on all fours.  I do love this although my breasts get a little jealous of all the attention my ass is getting.    :)

And then there's the simple restraint - handcuffs.   This is probably one of my most favorites.   Handcuffs are metal, hard, and unyielding.   There's something about being handcuffed that makes me feel very objectified and I love it.   Handcuffs are versatile and can be used from room to room.  I can walk with them on, I can crawl, I can be bent over the bed....the options are endless.   

But my most favorite part of being restrained is knowing that I'm in for a play session.  It makes for a very happy and used submissive. :)

Sex Smorgasbord (Made you look)

Part 2

Per our contract I'm supposed to be blogging once a week.   Unfortunately I failed at that last week.  I blame the holidays, however, Sir might have a different opinion.

One of the things I admire the most about his dominant side is that he doesn't punish to just punish.   And for a long time I thought that's what being a dominant was about.   But there are a lot of times that he doesn't sweat the small stuff.  I appreciate and work very hard to never take advantage of that.

Anyways, back to the blog post.

There was an error in my last post.   Just for sake of clarity and honesty, I have been cheated on.  Not sure why I left that out.

Infidelity and monogamy have continued to be topics in our home.  A couple very close to me is dealing with infidelity.  I'm not going to go into a lot of detail about it except to say that it's made me realize how truly painful this kind of dishonesty is.   And I have no desire to ever inflict that kind of pain on anyone I love ever again.

I'd like to believe that both Sir and I are mature enough to recognize that if we reach a point in our relationship where one of us doesn't want to be here any longer we'll be able to actually have that discussion rather than step out with another person.  I don't believe that being non-monogamous threatens our relationship.   Sir meets my needs.   I'm not out searching for something that I'm not getting.   I just view sex as a bit of a smorgasbord and sometimes I want a little salad if I've been eating a lot of steak.   I have no interest in carrying on another relationship with a man.  I've done that and it's exhausting.   One relationship is fine with me.

In addition to being interested in my own non-monogamy I am also open to playing with Sir and a third person.  I spoke to a friend about this recently and she was excited and  interested in discussing it more.   My sexual experience with other women is fairly limited and I'm very open to dipping my toes into this pond :)   I also am curious about watching Sir top another female.   

Okay, I'm more than curious.    One of my favorite long term fantasies involves  being restrained while watching Sir top another woman in front of me.   I'm forced to watch without being allowed to participate in any way.  The thought of it definitely makes my naughty bits tingle.

I do see these things as a  possibility with us.   I don't think that inviting others to play with us will become standard practice.  Rather I see it as more of a special treat we'll both get to enjoy from time to time.   In many ways we're still babes in this world.  And we're  fine with that.  We go at our own pace and I believe it helps us avoid becoming frenzied or getting so caught up in the lifestyle that we forget we're two real people that are in love with each other.

I almost sounded romantic there...didn't I?

What I realize more than anything is that in the past few years I've evolved in so many ways.   And I'm continuing to do so.  A year or two from now I could feel totally different about all of this.  And I love the idea of that.  Life should be about the experience.

It's just sex....right?

Part 1

I've been thinking a lot lately about infidelity, monogamy, and non-monogamy.  This post is an attempt to straighten out my thoughts so excuse the mess.

As hard as it is to admit I have a bit of experience with infidelity.  If you're assuming that I've been cheated on...you'd be wrong.  I am was the cheater.   It's not something I'm proud of by any stretch of the imagination.   But the intent of this post isn't to dwell on my past sins.  I've spent many hours sitting on a therapist's couch trying to figure out why I did some of the things I did without ever being able to come up with an answer.

In the time I've been with Sir I've never had any desire to cheat on him.  I understand that for most people this should not be a big deal but for me it is.  To some extent it's helped me understand why I had such an issue being faithful before.   I'm sure some of you may be thinking 'just give it time, once a cheater, always a cheater.'  There have been many times I've thought that myself, moments where I've had large amounts of self doubt waiting to just mess up.   But I've come to understand that part of me is really in my past.  My relationship with Sir has been completely transparent from the start and when you live with honestly like that it's just easy to continue to stay that way.

I have always been fond of saying that I didn't believe in monogamy, however, that was mostly because I was trying to justify my cheating.   There was a small part of me that did believe sex is sex and is meant to be enjoyed and it doesn't always have to be taken so seriously.  

I still feel the same way.   Although there is a bigger part of me that is invested in this theory. I love Sir completely.   And I don't walk around lusting after other people.   But I have found myself wondering about what sex would be like with 'this' person or 'that' person.   And I'm talking about straight up sex - not being submissive to another.   

And then I stop to think, how would I feel about Sir being with another?   I tend to do that you know. I almost always try to put myself in the other person's shoes.   And I'm not sure how I would feel about it.  

There was a time in our relationship when I definitely would have not been okay with it.   Mostly because of my own insecurity.   I wasn't fully available to Sir and my biggest fear is that he would find someone that was.   I don't have that insecurity any longer.  I don't have a lot of insecurities any longer when it comes to our relationship. I am his.  He is mine.  We could last our lifetimes, a year, a month, who knows.....I don't spend a lot of time worrying about that.   

I understand that not everyone thinks or feels this way.  I understand that many people spend their lives having sex with one person (at a time) and it's not an issue for them.  I've spend many years of my life happily doing this myself.   I certainly don't walk around wearing a shirt that says I don't want to be monogamous, although my good friends do know I feel this way.    I am just at a place in my life where I'm understanding that it's okay to not always fit into everyone's idea of what you should be and how you should live.